Tonight I would like to continue from my last post called, Regrets? In that post I talked about my first major fear in life; that I am going to work my life away. As I wrote and spent some time thinking about it, I realized that I am missing out on time with myself. Actually, even more precisely, that I do not want to miss out on time with myself. In other words, time with myself is important and valuable to me and if I work too hard all the time, I may never have the opportunity to have “me time.”
The other fear that is holding me back is the fear that I will never love my body. This is a touchy one. For starters, this is not exactly something that I am super comfortable putting out into the universe. However, one thing I know for sure is that I am not alone on this one. I am quite sure that many of you have also struggled with this fear (in one form or another) as well.
For me, this fear is a nasty one. By admitting to not loving my body, you would think that I don’t love myself. I suppose that is true in a sense; perhaps I don’t love myself in entirety. But, the other truth is that I do love myself. I love the way I connect to other people, I love my sensitivity and compassion, I love my organizational skills and the way I can stay calm and in control for others, I love the mom that I am, the friend and the daughter too. I love a lot of things about me and I am extremely proud of who I am.
I am also extremely frustrated that I cannot seem to get to a healthier weight. I think this is why nothing ever really changes – I get stuck here. I think it is about my weight or the way I look when really it is more about loving myself unconditionally. Not loving myself entirely when I am thinner, fitter, healthier. Loving myself now for everything that I am and everything that I am not. It is difficult, that’s for sure. When I think about loving myself no matter what, I think… of course I love myself no matter what… I just wish I looked better. But is that really love? Do I look at my husband and think, wow – I really love him… I just wish he looked better? No. I would never think that towards any one I love. So why should it be okay to think like that about myself?
Too bad I can’t just use my awesome organizational skills and just put “love myself” on my to-do list! I will however add to my list to take what I have explored over the last few days and decide if there is anything that I can do to help myself take even one step away from these fears and towards a path without them holding me back.
P.S. I keep forgetting to let you know about my “getting to bed by 10pm goal”. It’s going really well and I have certainly noticed that I am maintaining some decent energy. That’s not to say I jump out of bed in the morning or never feel tired, but there is a bit of an improvement. Here are the last few days…
Sunday the 14th – Didn’t get into bed until close to 10:30 tonight – hard to let the weekend go. 7.5 hours
Monday the 15th – Another night of 10:30pm… uh oh… gotta nip this in the bud! 7.5 hours
Tuesday the 16th – A bit better tonight – 10:15pm. Felt exhausted in the morning though! 7.75 hours