With only 3 writing days left for me on this journey, I am ready to look back and reflect on this past year of Deconstruct The Yuck. The only problem is, I am not really sure where to begin…
Maybe from the beginning. My very first post on this blog was written on January 2nd, 2014. I remember that morning vividly. Kyla and I had planned the idea of the blog out; we had discussed all the details, set the website up and we were ready to go. That was until I sat there, staring at my blank screen, the fear growing with every breath. That morning, I sat in front of my computer and listened to my inner voice (who I now know as my saboteur, thanks to September’s challenge, “Critical Rethinking”) tell me that there was no way I could pull off an entire year of monthly challenges paired with blogging every second day. I was able to recognize that the voice was filled with fear and that the bottom line was – I was scared. You may think I was scared of failure – not following through with it, not being able to keep up with the writing, not completing the challenges. But, no, that wasn’t it. I knew, somewhere deep down, that I could and would do it. Once I sat with it long enough, I realized that my fear was coming more from a place of insecurity – I was scared of really putting myself out there. The challenges ahead were not going to be easy and I knew the only way this blog would really matter – the only way people would connect to it at all and I would actually, honestly, take any steps towards a more authentic life – would be to bare it all. I was going to have to take off the armour and really share a piece of my soul, during times of frustration, upset and well… challenge. And, in a way, what could be scarier?
So, how did I do it? How did I overcome the fear? One step at a time. Which, in many ways, could be the tag phrase for this entire journey. One step at a time, I attacked each challenge. I didn’t eat no sugar for an entire month all at once – I did it one day at a time. I didn’t exercise every day for an entire month – I did it one work out at a time. I didn’t face all the pressures and guilt and “shoulda’s” that I feel all at once – I did it one feeling at a time. And, in the end, that is how I faced my fear of being completely honest, completely transparent, completely me – one blog post at a time.
Every day that I wrote, I revealed a piece of myself to our readers. I wrote to you and shared with you. I tried to inspire you and make you laugh. I tried to be honest and upfront and hope that I could somehow reach you and maybe say that one word that would tip the scale for you in a good way. I thought of my family and my friends and people I would never even meet when I wrote. I thought of my children. But in the end, I realize now so clearly that it was always just me I was writing to. It was me the whole time, who actually needed to hear those words; to have the scale tipped. It was me who needed to be inspired and laugh and feel and understand that I am capable of anything I put my mind to. It was always me who needed to see – there was nothing to be afraid of.